Fear And Loathing In San Diego

With greater awareness comes a greater ability to notice deep seated emotions and the feelings they create.

I recently traveled to California to attend an Influencer conference – something I booked months in advance and that I was very much looking forward to.

On travel day prior to the event, I woke early as I always do but had a very strange feeling in my gut. I just felt empty and alone. During my morning meditation practice, I sat with that feeling and went deeper to explore with greater curiosity and focus. I couldn’t determine what emotion was behind this feeling and in fact, the meditation actually seemed to amplify the feeling of loneliness and self doubt. I boarded my flight, arrived at my hotel and decided to go straight the gym to sweat it out. No such luck. Despite a solid training session, I was feeling very small and alone.

On the morning of the event, I woke up to the same feeling. I tried a different meditation technique to relieve tension, ‘allowing and letting be’, which did seem to clear my mind and some mild anxiety. Once again, the feeling persisted.

On the way to event I pondered if this was something from childhood, perhaps that nervous feeling of starting a new school and not feeling good enough or smart enough. When I arrived, I was overwhelmed with the number of people in attendance, frantically bustling through the hotel lobby, queuing up for registration and congregating around the coffee counters.

When the event started, I was surrounded by 2000 dynamic like-minded people who want to do good and make a positive impact on this world. The connections and conversations that morning absolutely and almost immediately shifted my energy and I was once again feeling light, aligned and energized.

So why would the typical excitement of travel to attend such an incredible event be replaced by fear and doubt? I’m still processing this however I believe it is lack of human connection. The days leading up to this event I was working and living in a silo in preparation of being away from the post for a few days. During that time there was also tension and distance in my relationship at home. I have a tendency to go it alone – I’m oftentimes a ‘lone wolf’ with my business and work many hours on my own. It is said that deep human connection is the purpose and result of a meaningful life. I believe that to be true. We are wired for connection.

If there is a lesson or message here, I have yet to fully uncover and understand it, however I can say without a doubt that no one should ever go it alone. Everybody needs somebody. I would add that the skill and habit of daily mindfulness gives one a greater awareness to notice subtle feelings that may go unnoticed. Ignoring the warning lights on the dashboard of your car may be fine for a while, but it could lead to a greater problem if unaddressed.

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